May The Power of Christ Compel You

It is evident the hockey gods currently hate the Toronto Maple Leafs. With yet another crippling defeat under their belt and with Leaf Nations collective psyche on 24 hour suicide watch, something needs to change. They don’t get any bounces or any calls.

What’s the solution? I can trace this spiraling shit storm back to one decision, trying to force the man from Bromma to waive his no trade clause. Since this decision the Leafs have only taken steps backwards on the ice. So again, what’s the solution? First, hire Father Lankester Merrin to perform an exorcism on the organization. I don’t care if we get an actual priest or just bring in Max Von Sydow to reprise his role. Second, get Burke to hop on a faering get his ass over to the land of Ikea plop himself in front of Mats home and stage a hunger strike until he agrees to come back to Toronto. Mats did say he was a leaf forever! LET’S CALL HIM ON THIS! Mats playing at this tender age with Phil The Thrill? C’mon! This seems like a no brainer as his previous best line mate was a past his prime previously defected A-Mo. Third, anytime someone takes a stupid penalty they have to drop and give the fan base 20 pushups on the ice before they can go to the box. Fourth, ice the team that plays the hardest. If it’s the young bucks so be it. The Leafs are not in the business of showcasing RFA’s and UFA’s. If this is the case then the rest of the league is aware we have a bunch of knuckle heads who have no heart, are just cashing a paycheck and underestimate teams that are worse than them. If the movie Major League has taught me anything it’s that you always have a chance. Did Ricky Vaughn, Jake Taylor, Pedro Cerrano or Willie Mays Hays give up when Rachel Phelps tried to gut the team so they could relocate? NO! Lastly, we seem to missing the fire. I would mandate that the team run the montages from Rocky 4 and the end scene from Karate Kid on loop in the dressing, on jump tron, in Maple Leaf Square!

GO FREGGIN LEAFS GO!

Wings playing like bullet proof tigers

The Red Wings of Detroit took a giant step towards winning back to back Stanley Cups on Saturday. The Wings stomped on the Penguins junk beating them 5-0. They took their play to another level that has not been seen since Thunderlips himself aka Hulk Hogan was last in the ring. Of course I am talking about him hulking up then dropping the big boot following this up with the devastating leg drop. The death blow came in second period where they scored 3 unanswered power play goals. The game got chippy once out of reach with Sid The Kid and Talbot taking shots at Zetterberg and Datsyuk respectively.

Roads? Where we're going we don't need any roads

The NBA held its annual Draft Lottery last night. The lottery system was introduced in 1985 which saw the infamous pick of Patrick Ewing go first overall to the Knicks. This draft is under great debate as many feel it was rigged. The theory goes: David Stern had the Knicks envelope frozen so he could feel it when he reached into the bin, thus giving the then floundering league a shot in the arm by sending a franchise player to a major market. The lottery uses ping pong balls with a weighting system and the team with the worst record has a 25% chance of receiving the #1 pick. The team with the best chance of winning the pick was the Sacramento Queens. In a peculiar move to test karma the Maloofs sent Chris Webber on the organizations behalf? C-Webb? Didn’t this man’s contract and knee injury basically shackle the franchise? I digress. Anyways the Clippers aka NBA’s wasteland won the lottery with the Grizz and the WNBA’s Thunder coming in second and third respectively (See full results below).

Now I believe the Clippers should be paging Doc Brown because they already have a head case and a completely immoveable contract in Z-Bo at the four. Not to mention their roster also boasts Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby. Needless to say they have a glut of mediocrity in the front court. Dunleavy needs to call up Doc Emmett Brown and borrow his Delorean so he can go back in time and rescind the B-Ditty signing and Z-Bo trade. This would give them the option of drafting either Rubio (pairing him with Gordon in the backcourt) or Griffin. Dunleavy was reached by phone shortly after the lottery and committed to Blake Griffin. Being a Raptors fan and looking at some of the tentative Mock Drafts they have a few options. One being Stephon Curry but apparently the Knicks are in love with him, and why not the man plays negative defense has minimal upside but is a shooter. Essentially a cheaper Jason Kapono. Tyreke Evans out of Memphis is another possibility who could run the up tempo style the Raps desire though can’t hit an open jump shot if his life depended on it.

Draft Order
1.) Clippers
2.) Grizz
3.) Thunder
4.) Queens
5.) T-Wolves
6.) Wiz
7.) Warriors
8.) Knicks
9.) Raps
10.) Bucks
11.) Nets
12.) Bobcats
13.) Pacers

Dead or alive, you're coming with me

Manny Pacquiao who has evidently had experimental surgery to replace his fists with cinder blocks, defeated Britains Ricky Hatton the other weekened. With 16,262 people watching The Pacman dismantled Hatton knocking him down twice in the first round. Pacquiao came out in the 2nd round and with a left hook at the 2.59 mark made Hatton look worse than Officer Alex Murphy before he became Robocop. Next on the docket is apparently the recently un-retired Floyd 'Money' Mayweather Jr. This just in Ricky Hatton has finally gotten up off the mat.

Hold the Mayo?

News leaked yesterday that USC Basketball Head Coach Tim Floyd allegedly gave a man representing OJ Mayo $1,000 bones to get him to come to USC. The look on my face upon hearing this news was a tad less surprised than Josh Baskin after he realizes Zoltar granted his wish and made him big. I was gob smacked that the amount was so low and I was equally shocked at the level of public dismay. This has been happening for years. Collegiate athletes ‘hire’ pre-agents to get them the best deal at a school. Just ask C-Webb or Marcus Camby, who by the way was given a Lexus to deliver pizza’s though he never actually made a delivery.

The NCAA is one of the most crooked organizations in all of sport. It has a billion dollar TV deal and makes duckets hand over fist off the athletes. The biggest expense in most organizations is salaries though the NCAA only pays a fraction of this through scholarships. Shoot Lute Olsen was paid $5 million by Nike to wear a Swoosh on his lapel. Keeping guys in school for one to three years does nothing to prepare them for life. They take bird degrees and the system is used as a minor sports league. Everyone needs to wake up and realize that instead of giving guys degrees like the Appreciation of Wine and Cheese (Michael Irvin courtesy The U) we need to find a better way to compensate student athletes or get rid of age limits all together.

Fo, Fo, Fo, Fo?

LeBron Raymone James and the Cleveland LBJ's extinguished the playoff hopes of the Atlanta Hawks lastnight. This was the second consecutive sweep for LBJ and his merrymen. This definitely rekindles memories of the original straight from High School gangster Moses Malone. In 1982 Moses famously replied 'fo, fo, fo, fo' when asked how he thought the playoffs would go. The 6ers went on to win the NBA Championship losing one game in the Eastern Conference Final.

LeBron has been lights out this playoffs and is averaging 32 and 11. He has looked as if he is saving something for the eventual meeting between him and Black Mamba. I for one can't wait when we see the news story break that LBJ is actually from a little known planet called Krypton which was destroyed years ago. This will then result in Mark Cuban scouring the world for Kryptonite (not KryptoNate) in a search to somehow stop LeBron.

oh no, oh no....OH YEAH!

With the news surrounding Manny Ramirez's 50 game suspension setting the headlines a blaze, speculation has increased on who else is guilty. I dug up the rookie card picture of David Ortiz (please see left). If this isn't reason enough to raise eyebrows how about the fact that he has 109 AB's this year AND NO DINGERS! His production hasn't been this poor since he was with the Twinkies tipping the scales at a buck 50 soaken wet! This guy was full of more juice than the Kool Aid Man!