Roads? Where we're going we don't need any roads

The NBA held its annual Draft Lottery last night. The lottery system was introduced in 1985 which saw the infamous pick of Patrick Ewing go first overall to the Knicks. This draft is under great debate as many feel it was rigged. The theory goes: David Stern had the Knicks envelope frozen so he could feel it when he reached into the bin, thus giving the then floundering league a shot in the arm by sending a franchise player to a major market. The lottery uses ping pong balls with a weighting system and the team with the worst record has a 25% chance of receiving the #1 pick. The team with the best chance of winning the pick was the Sacramento Queens. In a peculiar move to test karma the Maloofs sent Chris Webber on the organizations behalf? C-Webb? Didn’t this man’s contract and knee injury basically shackle the franchise? I digress. Anyways the Clippers aka NBA’s wasteland won the lottery with the Grizz and the WNBA’s Thunder coming in second and third respectively (See full results below).

Now I believe the Clippers should be paging Doc Brown because they already have a head case and a completely immoveable contract in Z-Bo at the four. Not to mention their roster also boasts Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby. Needless to say they have a glut of mediocrity in the front court. Dunleavy needs to call up Doc Emmett Brown and borrow his Delorean so he can go back in time and rescind the B-Ditty signing and Z-Bo trade. This would give them the option of drafting either Rubio (pairing him with Gordon in the backcourt) or Griffin. Dunleavy was reached by phone shortly after the lottery and committed to Blake Griffin. Being a Raptors fan and looking at some of the tentative Mock Drafts they have a few options. One being Stephon Curry but apparently the Knicks are in love with him, and why not the man plays negative defense has minimal upside but is a shooter. Essentially a cheaper Jason Kapono. Tyreke Evans out of Memphis is another possibility who could run the up tempo style the Raps desire though can’t hit an open jump shot if his life depended on it.

Draft Order
1.) Clippers
2.) Grizz
3.) Thunder
4.) Queens
5.) T-Wolves
6.) Wiz
7.) Warriors
8.) Knicks
9.) Raps
10.) Bucks
11.) Nets
12.) Bobcats
13.) Pacers

Dead or alive, you're coming with me

Manny Pacquiao who has evidently had experimental surgery to replace his fists with cinder blocks, defeated Britains Ricky Hatton the other weekened. With 16,262 people watching The Pacman dismantled Hatton knocking him down twice in the first round. Pacquiao came out in the 2nd round and with a left hook at the 2.59 mark made Hatton look worse than Officer Alex Murphy before he became Robocop. Next on the docket is apparently the recently un-retired Floyd 'Money' Mayweather Jr. This just in Ricky Hatton has finally gotten up off the mat.

Hold the Mayo?

News leaked yesterday that USC Basketball Head Coach Tim Floyd allegedly gave a man representing OJ Mayo $1,000 bones to get him to come to USC. The look on my face upon hearing this news was a tad less surprised than Josh Baskin after he realizes Zoltar granted his wish and made him big. I was gob smacked that the amount was so low and I was equally shocked at the level of public dismay. This has been happening for years. Collegiate athletes ‘hire’ pre-agents to get them the best deal at a school. Just ask C-Webb or Marcus Camby, who by the way was given a Lexus to deliver pizza’s though he never actually made a delivery.

The NCAA is one of the most crooked organizations in all of sport. It has a billion dollar TV deal and makes duckets hand over fist off the athletes. The biggest expense in most organizations is salaries though the NCAA only pays a fraction of this through scholarships. Shoot Lute Olsen was paid $5 million by Nike to wear a Swoosh on his lapel. Keeping guys in school for one to three years does nothing to prepare them for life. They take bird degrees and the system is used as a minor sports league. Everyone needs to wake up and realize that instead of giving guys degrees like the Appreciation of Wine and Cheese (Michael Irvin courtesy The U) we need to find a better way to compensate student athletes or get rid of age limits all together.

Fo, Fo, Fo, Fo?

LeBron Raymone James and the Cleveland LBJ's extinguished the playoff hopes of the Atlanta Hawks lastnight. This was the second consecutive sweep for LBJ and his merrymen. This definitely rekindles memories of the original straight from High School gangster Moses Malone. In 1982 Moses famously replied 'fo, fo, fo, fo' when asked how he thought the playoffs would go. The 6ers went on to win the NBA Championship losing one game in the Eastern Conference Final.

LeBron has been lights out this playoffs and is averaging 32 and 11. He has looked as if he is saving something for the eventual meeting between him and Black Mamba. I for one can't wait when we see the news story break that LBJ is actually from a little known planet called Krypton which was destroyed years ago. This will then result in Mark Cuban scouring the world for Kryptonite (not KryptoNate) in a search to somehow stop LeBron.

oh no, oh no....OH YEAH!

With the news surrounding Manny Ramirez's 50 game suspension setting the headlines a blaze, speculation has increased on who else is guilty. I dug up the rookie card picture of David Ortiz (please see left). If this isn't reason enough to raise eyebrows how about the fact that he has 109 AB's this year AND NO DINGERS! His production hasn't been this poor since he was with the Twinkies tipping the scales at a buck 50 soaken wet! This guy was full of more juice than the Kool Aid Man!

Cap Canada

Well today the Toronto Raptors announced they have signed Jay Triano to a 3 year deal. Removing his interim tag Triano now becomes the first Canadian born full time coach. The Raps went 25-40 under the man wincing in the above picture. He probably just witnessed yet another defensive breakdown when a photographer snapped this beauty. Triano's biggest challenge will be convincing the Raps to play defense. They either believed defense would cause them to go into Anaphylactic shock or were convinced that the game works like golf where the team with the lowest score wins. Here's to hoping better days are before Raptor fans as the answers given to why Triano was brought on were not all that reassuring, ie. 'on the same page', 'have a good working relationship'....LET'S GO RAPTORS!

Really Dirk, that's the best you could do?

Weird but entertaining story surfaced today. The woman pictured to the right is Cristal Taylor a 37 year old swindler! Apparently she has been living with Disco Dirk Nowitzki though his legal advisors hired special investigators to look into her past. They found mutiple warrants for for her arrest with the highlights being: violating a probation sentence for two counts of forgery and one count of felony stealing in Missouri and a theft-of-service charge for failing to pay for an estimated $10,000 in dental work in Beaumont, Texas. It was also discovered that Cristal had a bevy of aliases or the story she is going with, she's a shape shifter.

Incredible story with Mavs being down by 2 games and game 3 going tonight. Just saying think Dirk could do a little better this train wreck. My buddy claims Joey Graham is even riding high with a beautiful baby.

Juice Pigs Embrace?

Manuel "Manny" Aristides Ramírez Onelcida was suspended 50 games yesterday by MLB. He tested positive for a PED. Best part of the story is that the drug he tested positive for a female fertility drug. This is not approved by the FDA for use by men! Manny claims that his doctor prescribed him the substance due to a personal health problem. Anybody buying what the man is selling? I would have to say no dice.

The consequence is that now everyone will start to throw out names of other potential violators. Albert Pujols, Ken Griffey Jr., Big Papi, Ryan Howard and probably Vlad The Impaler are the next doodes who will have the light of suspicion shone on them. Not sure if anyone can hear the crickets coming from the little engine that could aka Red Sox Nation because they had a field day after Stray-Rods most recent transgression.

Toats Ma Goats! Face of a Vezina Winner?

Alright we are knee deep in the 2009 NHL playoffs. We have seen some exciting hockey thus far. What gets people more amped up than award season? NOTHING! Earlier in April the NHL released the list of nominees for several of their awards which are to be presented in the city of sin in June. I always pay a particular attention to the Vezina.

This year we have a troika of: The Fabulous Fin Nik Backstrom, Steve ‘Shutout Machine’ Mason and Tim ‘Chubby (see teen wolf)’ Thomas. The odds-on favourite seems to be Chubs, which I don’t get. Doing a superficial analysis of the numbers ranking every relevant goaltending statistic we get the following Top 5: Thomas, Backstrom, Luongo, Mason and Ward. Although Chubby has the top GAA and SV% his stats start to fall off when it comes to GP, Shots and Shutouts in comparison to the rest of the finalists. Namely, this doode only played 54 games. This is the same amount that Spaghetti (Luongo) played even though his groin was in worst shape than Apollo Creed’s existence, after Ivan Drago explained with his fists how juiced up Russians roll. Look, Peter Budaj played more games than this man! C’mon. Just to put this in perspective this would be the fewest GP’s by a Vezina winner since the lockout shortened season. Let’s take a peak at the case being made for each:

- Chubby: Number one goalie on the best team in the East and best defensive team. Also led the league in GAA and SV%
- Mason: Man lead the league in shutouts and played more games than the front runner on a poorer team despite starting the season in AHL. Mason also defeated Mononucleosis during the year and may or may not be a shutout machine sent from the future to beat Brodeur’s records.
- Backstrom: Appears in more of the top 5 categories than the competition. Man is steady and surprisingly saw the second most rubber to Kipper.

So who gets the award? I am convinced that this goes to Timmy Thomas. Sports writers watch a fraction of the games and will be drawn to the big market of Boston as well as the fact that they won the East. Mason will be able to cry himself to sleep while caressing the Calder and rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Backstrom’s steady year once again will go unnoticed but after signing his new deal he can buy a sick party boat to cruise Lake Minnetonka. If he wants to have a real fun time he should assemble a party planning committee of former Vikings.